Ooh!
Is Douglas back from the store with my eyedrops?
No, not yet.
If I don't have my eyedrops,
I can't put my lenses in.
I'm blind as a $2 hooker!
Didn't know $2 hookers tended to be blind.
Why do you think they're only $2?
Dad, could we just get you glasses already?
I swore off glasses in 1976!
I know the year,
because the last time I threw a pair at the television
was during a particularly offensive bicentennial minute!
Say hello to your hero.
What?
We needed toothpaste, right?
Well, it was on sale for $1.09.
Trouble is, it was only one to a customer.
So how did I get 5, you ask?
Well, Doug bought one.
Then 10 minutes later,
British Doug bought a jolly good one.
Then...
Did you get my father's eyedrops?
Excuse me. I was about to introduce you
to Clumsy Shop-Teacher Doug.
So the one thing I asked you to get, you didn't get.
No, but 5 tubes of toothpaste!
We'll never need toothpaste again!
We win!
Listen, I talked to the bank today,
and I think we should refinance our mortgage.
Carrie, we were lucky to finance in the first place.
Let's not tinker with the support beams.
Look, a couple of hours of paperwork,
and we save thousands of dollars over the next 30 years.
I gotta tell you, my vote's still leanin' towards no.
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you this.
You don't have a vote.
We have to refinance.
Any money we save, she'll just stick in the bank
or use to pay bills.
So stupid.
Heffernan.
Uh, yeah, Mr. O'Boyle.
Kinda slow goin' there, huh?
How 'bout a little less Burger King
and a little more deliveries?
Uh, I didn't stop at Burger King today, sir.
Then Arby's.
Okay.
Listen, you got a pickup at Jewel and Kissena.
The high school?
Yeah.
You kiddin' me? I graduated from there.
That's funny.
Yeah, my sides are splitting.
Let me get off so I can tell the guys.
Hey, coach, any chance you could use
a slightly out-of-shape fullback?
Heffernan.
How are ya?
Ah, great.
Pull up a chair. Let's catch up, huh?
All right.
Okay...
Married? Yep.
Kids? No.
We're all caught up.
Hey, I'm thinking of going to Mr. Nagel's biology class
and settin' all the frogs free again.
He can't suspend me now, right?
No.
He's dead.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry-
No, that's all right... seven years ago.
I'm all cried out.
I cannot believe you said-
Hey, Brandon, Michael! Come here, come here, come here.
I want ya to meet a real...
running back.
Doug Heffernan.
All-county, two years in a row.
Hey, nice to meet ya.
How you doin'?
Yeah, all-county. Wow.
Uh, wanna tell 'em about the Kennedy game?
Come on. They don't wanna hear the old war stories.
Go ahead and tell them. Okay.
We hitched our wagon to this animal.
186 yards.
You're embarrassing me.
No, no, no.
He ran like he was mad at the grass.
Hey, Arthur.
Have you ever seen this Mr. Magoo program?
It's quite insensitive.
Oh, 'cause of that really racist Asian character?
Oh, no. He's hilarious.
They should give that guy his own show.
See, I don't see him as a lead.
You couldn't be more wrong.
My point is, the blind are treated as if we're buffoons.
You're not blind.
Why don't you just go get glasses?
I think you'd look really handsome in them.
That's the nicest thing you ever said to me.
Wait a second.
You're not Carrie!
N- no, it's me, Holly.
I'm sorry. I can usually recognize your gin-soaked voice.
I must need my eardrops.
Listen, Arthur, if you're not feeling well,
we don't have to go on our walk today.
Wait, Arthur, no. These aren't eardrops!
This is wart remover.
It says for external use only!
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
Arthur! Arthur, can you hear me?
So then I cut to my left, right?
And the cornerback comes in to try to get me, right?
So I say, "I'm gonna cut to the right,"
But no, I go right through him
and just crack his chest plate!
I put like a cleat in the eye, I'm going crazy!
His eye's twitchin',
and his soul is literally spillin' all over the field.
Then I just truck it into the end zone.
Touchdown. Playoffs.
Something like that.
I don't remember. It was a long time ago.
Awesome!
Yeah. We haven't made the playoffs since, what, '94?
Hey, hey.
I need this job.
You got time to tell 'em about the Bayside game?
Heffernan, where are you?
We got an emergency plasma pickup
at Queens General Hospital.
I got time.
Car, you're never gonna believe where I had a pickup today.
One second, honey. I'm on the phone with the mortgage company.
Yes, once again, the name is Heffernan.
They told me to talk to you about looking into a rate?
No, no, no, no. Customer Service sent me to you.
Please don't send me back there- Hello? Great.
Here comes American Pie again.
My old high school. It was unbelievable.
My old coach calls me in the office, right?
We're hanging out there.
Then he brings students in
so we can tell them some stories-
And then - Yes, Marcus. Yes, it's me again.
Honey, please. Yes...
Yes, the yeller. Uh-huh.
Listen, you and Melissa and me,
we all need to get on the same page, okay?
Because she said I needed to talk to you.
No, no, no. Don't put me on hold again, plea-
I'm on hold.
So I'm telling the story, right,
and these kids are literally looking at me
like I'm one of the guys from Menudo.
And all of a sudden-
I- I- I- Listen, listen, baby, please!
God, I gotta focus on this right now.
Do me a favor.
The upstairs toilet is acting up again.
Please take a look at it.
Yes!
Treat her right, and she'll treat you right.
Doug Heffernan, class of '83.
This is broccoli! What?
Broccoli!
Okay. Ready for broccoli.
Yam!
Okay. Ready for ham.
No, I said yam.
Yes.
What's the date on this ham?
What's up?
Hey, we got any SunnyD?
Doug... where have you been?
What are you talking about?
You were supposed to meet me at the mortgage company.
Oh, uh...
I'm sorry. I forgot.
You forgot. Where were you?
School.
You went back to your old high school? Why?
We have a very big game coming up.
Okay, I don't know what it is you're talking about,
but I rescheduled the appointment
for tomorrow at 5:00.
Uh, yeah. 5's not gonna work for me.
And why is that?
Pep rally. Pep rally.
Okay, you do realize we're seconds away
from squad cars being on our lawn, right?
Carrie, so... I like hanging out there sometimes.
What's the big deal? What's the big deal?
First of all, you missed an appointment,
and it is a little weird that a grown man
is hanging out at his old high school.
And why the hell are you wearing a backpack?
That's exactly why I go hang out at my old high school,
Okay, 'cause I go there, I'm somebody. I get respect.
I walk in here, all I get is you yelling at me
and Ray Charles bouncing off the furniture.
How 'bout this? When you get home from work tomorrow
and you take your pants off and fall asleep on the couch,
I throw ya a parade, huh?
All I'm saying is, high school was great.
And I miss having that feeling, that's all.
You can understand that, right?
No, I can't understand it because high school sucked.
What are you talking about?
All the obnoxious cliques, the cheerleaders-
"Excuse me, that's our table. "
The only thing I enjoyed was smoking in the girls' room.
Ohhh. Oh, my God!
I- I get it!
Oh, my God, you're-
You're jealous 'cause I rocked in high school
and you didn't!
I'm Emilio Estevez, and you're Ally Sheedy!
What does that mean?
Breakfast Club?
Never saw it.
You-
You what?!
I never saw it.
You never saw that movie?
No, I didn't see it, Doug, okay,
because while you and your buddies were watching movies.
I was working. Oh, here we go.
Yeah, that's right. I had to wait tables at Friendly's
because I had to take care of my father because I was a grownup.
I had to be responsible.
Oh, why do I even talk to you?
You can't talk to me because I'm Ferris Bueller,
and you're his very bitter sister.
Oh, my God. You didn't see that either.
Okay, all I know is high school is over for you, okay?
Now I have to get back to very grownup stuff here,
so excuse me.
Okay. You know, all I know is
your lack of classic-movie knowledge is terrifying!
Hey, what's up, guys?
You guys, uh, ready to crush Roosevelt?
Uh...
Yeah.
All right. Now, I hope you guys aren't on the juice.
But if you are,
you know where to come for clean pee.
Great.
So, uh...
You work here now or...
Work here? No, no, no.
I'm just here for the talk, here to listen,
here to guide you guys through the crazy minefield they call...
the teen years.
Great.
Yeah. Yeah.
Doug... what are you doing?
I'm just hanging with the guys.
We're supposed to be signing mortgage papers in half an hour.
Uh, Doug, we're gonna...
Go score a couple of Red Bulls.
See ya.
Okay, thanks for embarrassing me in front of my crew.
Your crew.
Um, okay. Here's how it's gonna go down.
I'm gonna go to the ladies' room,
and you wrap up with 'Nsync over there, okay?
And then we're gonna get outta here.
Guys- Wait! Wait up!
Hey, uh,
can I bum one of those?
Thank you.
I'm not usually a fan of hot pink,
but you really made that work.
Suzie, it's gonna be okay.
It's not okay. He's totally with Lisa now!
Um...
you're not supposed to be smoking in here.
Oh... really?
Thank you for the heads up.
I don't even understand what I am without him.
Just make him promise not to cheat on you again,
and get him a really nice gift.
Wow, that's really great advice.
Um, who are you?
Um, I'm the only person in this bathroom
who knows anything about boys.
Just dump the loser and move on.
You don't understand. I love him.
And I keep hearing that stupid Christina Aguilera song.
It's my life.
Stop.
Stop it. Stop it, sweetie.
Stop. Stop. Bring it down.
You guys are very depressing for cheerleaders.
Excuse me...
but my life is over!
Oh, come on.
You have the world at your feet.
I mean, look at you. You're pretty.
You can probably bend in a bunch of different ways.
So one guy broke your heart. You move on.
But Brandon's perfect!
Okay, let me explain something to you about Brandon, okay?
Twenty years from now, he's gonna be 250 pounds
and communicating to you entirely in burps.
Trust me.
Wow.
What else can you tell us?
Well, um...
unless you're planning on being in the Ice Capades,
let's lose the glitter makeup, okay?
Yeah.
Okay. Well, it's time to begin our program.
We got a big game coming up,
and we're gonna take it to 'em, huh?
Yeah.
Good. That's the spirit.
McGregor is so weak.
I know. How are we supposed to get pumped up to this?
You guys want pumped up?
You got it.
I've never seen anybody run a library the way you do.
You know, in my condo
I got books laying around all over the place.
Maybe you could come over and help me arrange 'em.
And after our big win,
we're gonna bring it on home to the state finals.
Yeah, I'll take it from here, Mr. McG.
Doug Heffernan?
Yeah, that's right. All right...
I got one question for you people,
and that is, "What's up, Commodores?"
Okay, see, now, that doesn't work for me,
'cause back where I'm from, we used to make a lotta noise.
I'm gonna ask you again. What's up, Commodores?!
That's better. Now, you guys ready to beat Roosevelt?!
Yeah!
How 'bout this half of the room? We gonna win?
Now this half!
Now just the sexy people!
Yeah! That's it! We're gonna win this game,
and we're gonna win every game
till we're kissing that championship trophy!
And I'll tell you something else!
You know what Roosevelt can kiss?
They can kiss this!
God's sakes, Heffernan...
pull your pants up.
Okay, Arthur, I'm here.
It's me. Holly.
"Lost my voice from screaming.
Also would like to go to petting zoo. "
Do you want a glass of water?
No. No, Arthur, you can do this.
Yes, you can. You- Yes, you can!
You absolu-
Arthur, you have to believe in yourself!
You have to believe in yourself!
You can do this!
You can do this! You can do this! Water!
Water! Water!
Water.
Water...
Hey.
What are you doing here?
I was teaching little Suzie Pinkus how to smoke,
and the little princess threw up and got us caught.
What are you here for?
It'll all be in the police report.
Hi.
Hey.
This your wife?
Yeah, this is Carrie.
Carrie, this is Coach Walcott.
Hi. Hi, Carrie.
That short for Carlene?
No.
That's weird.
You know...
You can't, uh... smoke
anywhere on school grounds.
Yes, I know. It'll never happen again.
And as for you, Dougie...
you pull your pants down
when you're a little kid,
it's cute.
When you're approaching 40,
shaped like you...
it's... disturbing.
I kn- I know that now.
Now, I've got a story I wanna share with you.
Quite a few years ago, I was...
quite a football hero.
You like that picture, don't ya, Cheryl?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, uh-huh! Anyway, I...
I used to drop by my old high school, you know.
I didn't belong there.
Actually, you did, 'cause...
you're a high school football coach, you know?
Let me tell you a different story.
No, no, coach. I think we get it.
He's telling us that we can't go home again.
Exactly. Now, if you'll just listen to Charlene...
I've gotta get back right away,
because I got a librarian coming over,
and I gotta pick up a bunch of books.
I really love ya, buddy.
I'll see ya in... 20 years.
So... are you ready to leave?
Yeah.
So are you still mad at me?
No. I get the whole high school thing now.
You do?
Yeah. I had some fun
in the bathroom with some cheerleaders.
I wanna hear that story.
So tell me more about your work with...
With the blind.
Um...
Okay.